What is love?
Many people go their whole lives without ever finding out what loved truly is. On a purely biological level love is a chemical reaction in the brain, a rush of feel good hormones that make us feel connected to a person.
Love comes in more than one form, there is the platonic kind of love, the love for friends and family and then there is romantic love which is highly complicated to break down.
Romantic love is involuntary and has a drive like thirst, it's a complete craving for another person, it's when you care about that person and you feel like you need them in your life. The ancient Greeks called love 'the madness of the Gods,' and to some, that is what is what love is. To a wanderlust soul, this is very much the case.
Wanderlust souls aren't the kind of people that fall in love with anyone, they fall in love with people who are similar to them, people who have similar interests and similar mindsets. That doesn't necessarily mean that they always fall for people who are also wanderlust souls, but they fall for people who are lost like them.
In my experience the first person I ever had a relationship with I liked a lot, I was infatuated by the thought that someone like him would love me, I was infatuated by how he was and also confused by the fact that someone like him would want to be with someone like me.
I convinced myself that I was in love, even though in reality now I look back and realize it was just lust and infatuation because he was the first real boyfriend I ever had and the first guy I ever let close enough for me to even consider a relationship.
That relationship lasted three months and when we broke up I realized that I was better off on my own. During the relationship I had lost myself, I was constantly at his side and I constantly tried to act like I thought he would want me to. I did everything for him and lost myself, but I convinced myself that I was happy because I finally had someone who I could be with.
After the break up I felt pain, but it only lasted a few days before the relief of finally being able to be myself again. I finally had time for myself again. I could stay up late and go places or even just stay at my own house and concentrate on myself. I didn't have to be attached to someone else's side to be happy I realized.
I wasn't happy, living with depression and anxiety I don't think I could ever really be happy, but this was the point when I realized that I could be perfectly content on my own rather than needing someone to be with me to make me feel better about myself. I think I finally realized that I was just deluding myself into thinking I needed someone else to be happy and that was when the realization that I was probably better off alone prevailed.
A few months later I met someone else online, he was just like me, a lost soul and we had so many things in common. I liked him almost instantly and the attraction was there within the first few days of us talking. I felt a connection with him I had never felt before.
I felt complete understanding and complete acceptance when I spoke to him. I fell in love with him slowly and for the first time I actually felt loved myself. I felt different than my previous boyfriend, this guy actually made me feel like he cared about me rather than just feeling like I was their to satisfy his loneliness.
I was happy having a friend who I cared about so greatly and I was happy loving someone and having that kind of relationship with them. Soon after that though I entered a relationship with the guy. Being exclusive wasn't a problem for me at first, I was fine with the idea, but a few days into the relationship when the jealousy started it set alarm bells ringing in my head but I convinced myself it was only a minor problem.
Being so in love can make you blind sometimes. Being in a long distance relationship can make you feel even more blind. And first love... that can be the worst kind of blindness you feel.
For most people, first love sticks with them, it sticks with them for the rest of their lives. Your first love is the one who tends to stick with you though because they are the first person who ever receives all of you.
And in that, giving all of yourself to one person, it is easy to lose who you are. It's easy to give yourself over to the one you love, but sometimes these things don't work out. First love rarely works out. My first love didn't work out.
First love is hard to get over though, and honestly most people will never get over their first loves. That's because they are the first person you ever give your whole self to and even when you leave them behind and can't be with them anymore a piece of your heart is left within them and a piece of them is left with in you.
That piece they hold is a piece that no one else will ever be able to have, it holds the hope and the thought that love can last forever, it holds the pain and the trials and the memories, those kind and tender moments, the way they made you feel simply by hearing their voice or seeing their face, those endless nights of talking you'll never get back.
That piece of you holds youth and hope and everything you thought love would be, everything that was eventually proven wrong.
One of the things that lead to the breaking of my first love was the jealousy that was so present in the relationship. I couldn't stay in a relationship feeling so trapped. My spirit rebelled and made me push away and lash out. It made me want freedom from feeling so trapped. I realized that I wanted to be on my own to find myself again, and I broke it of rather selfishly, but I had to for my sanity.
If I hadn't I would have felt more and more trapped and slowly descended into a state like I had before when I was trapped, to the point I would have rebelled and had a mental breakdown to concentrate on something other than the misery.
The first love I had was so hard also because of the long distance, a long distance relationship is difficult anyway, but for a wanderlust soul it's even more so. They can't deal with the jealousy and the feeling of being trapped within the confines of a relationship like that, linked with the hopelessness of possibly not meeting your significant other and craving them so badly, the feeling of being trapped is endless.
First love is something you never forget because it becomes such a huge part of who you are, and even if you can't be together, that doesn't mean that kind of love isn't forever. The memories last and you never forget about them.
Love isn't always singular either though, sometimes you can feel something for more than one person, though it's never as strong, as passionate or as hopeful as the first time you fall in love.
In my experience I started liking my friend while I was with my first love, it was hard and I felt terrible for it, but it never went further than having feelings for him at first. I was content with having a close relationship with someone who wasn't a partner, but he fell for me. He wanted me to be his, and when I broke up with my first love he was very persistent.
When I broke up with my first love I really wanted everything be perfect, I wanted for me to find myself again without someone. I wanted to be happy and free and not feel like I was being confined within a relationship and attached to someone else. I wanted the freedom to be by myself.
But as someone who always tries to do what is best by other people it wasn't long until I gave in to his persistent questions of "Are you ready to be with me yet?"
The truth is I wasn't, but I agreed to make him happy. He wanted to claim me and I let him, like I have my whole life, letting people claim me before I even knew who I was myself.
And that's the hardest thing about being a wanderlust soul who always want's to make people happy, you always want to do what is best by them and give them what you want, even if it means giving them yourself and making yourself feel trapped.
Being a wanderlust soul who is in love is one of the hardest things ever, because you want to be on your own and yet you know you have the capacity to love and you want to love people. That doesn't mean you have to be with them in a relationship though.
Unfortunately though, the people you fall for also tend to fall in love with you, and friendship is never enough for them, so you end up giving yourself to them and that is still never enough. They always want more. They want to be closer. They want you to be theirs completely.
Loving more than one person is the worst, because you can't be with both (unless that's you're poly amorous, in which case you go Glen Coco.) and you also can't just be by yourself because friendship is never going to be enough.
The fear of losing people when you love them so dearly is terrible, that's why you do everything you can to keep them as close as possible, even if it means giving yourself to them and giving up your freedom and sanity.
My advice to all wanderlust souls: Don't enter into relationships. Be by yourself and be happy. Fall in love with whoever you want and explore the friendships.
The pain is not worth it.
The emotional torture is not worth it.
Loving someone or even more than one person is amazing, but you don't want to have to feel trapped and in a situation you can't get out of because you care too much.
The only relationship a wanderlust soul should be in is with someone who makes them glad to be alive.
They want someone who can be with them and awaken them, not douse their flames. If you find someone like that then be with them, but tread carefully because everything can change.
The saddest thing is though, that you may find someone like that one day, but you won't be able to be with them because of your need for freedom and distance etc.
Love like that is once in a life time, and you might not always get a second chance for it. Love is sad and painful.
So rather than hoping for an epic love or getting a second chance with someone you know could have been in the right situation, go be free. Explore the world and be happy on your own loving as many people as you want. Be selfish. Be a wanderer. Be an adventurer. Be as wanderlust as you possibly can.
Fall in love with yourself.
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