Before It's Too Late...

What do you do what you love someone but it's completely impossible and improbable? What do you do when it's too late? What do you do when you feel all alone and all you want is to love someone and be loved in return?

The chances are, even if it seems like it's too late, it's probably not for you. For me however, it is too late. I'm 19, have several failed relationships behind me and I can't learn to accept the love of others meaning I'll probably never be able to be in a relationship that won't break down.

But I'm here to tell you now, no matter how impossible or improbable the odds seem, you should never give up until the last breath. You should never give up on love.

Love is the thing that drives us forward, love is the thing that motivates us, love is what makes us feel worthwhile. 

If you love someone, tell them, fight for it. Coming from a background of giving up on relationships when they got tough I realize now that it's too late that I should have thought for them. If you don't fight for what you love, then what have you got?

If you don't fight for what you love... then what is the point in even existing?

Fight for what you love and the kind of love you want because if you don't and it come to the point where it's too late... it's going to be one of the biggest mistakes you've ever made.

Imagine in ten years watching your loves on walking down the isles with someone else, their child tottering behind them, picturing yourself in their shoes and feeling the heart break...

Is that really what you want? Is it really worth giving everything up just because of a rough spot?

You could possibly be giving up the best thing that ever happened to you.

I've come to realize that freedom is not just about being on your own. Freedom is accepting love. Freedom is being able to love in return. So don't throw something away because once it's too late, you'll regret it more than anything.

Suicide: You're Worth so Much More Than Death

On my mind today is the subject of suicide and what it means to those around us and what it really means for someone who is suicidal or tried to actually commit suicide.

People who attempt to commit suicide don't want to die, they want their pain to end. They want to stop feeling all the terrible emotions and going through the bullshit life is throwing at them because it causes too much mental and physical pain for them to deal with.



Often they feel like their life is caving in on them and they have no idea how else to retaliate than to just end the pain, but I'm here to tell you now that suicide shouldn't be your way out.

Coming from actually having tried to commit suicide various ways throughout my life, I am talking from a place of experience and not outside speculation. I know what it's like to feel so low you want the pain to end. I know what it's like to feel like your life is caving in around you.



You never ask to feel like this, but that is the hand life dealt you and it sucks. It's not a crime to ask for help or rely on others, but only rely on those who you know you can truly trust because some people will judge you. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.



Don't ever feel so low about yourself that you feel your only way out is to die. Even if you don't want to wake up sometimes, push yourself to. It's okay to feel like that sometimes though. It's okay to spend a whole day in bed. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay for your emotions to consume you. Life isn't meant to be emotionless.



People care about you and love you, people don't want you do die. But if you want to die and you honestly feel that nobody cares about you, then why do you want to die anyway? If you feel nobody loves you then there is nobody for you to worry about.



So instead of killing yourself, why not just get the fuck out? Leave your room. Leave your town. Leave your country. Visit somewhere new. Follow your own direction. Follow your gut. Fight someone for the sake of fighting. Fuck someone for the sake of fucking. Swim with a dolphin. Fight with a shark. No matter what you do, compared to the alternative you would be safe.

And maybe you finally see the world for how beautiful it is.

A Wanderlust Soul's Perspective on Love

I think one of the biggest questions of our time is this:

What is love?

Many people go their whole lives without ever finding out what loved truly is. On a purely biological level love is a chemical reaction in the brain, a rush of feel good hormones that make us feel connected to a person.

Love comes in more than one form,  there is the platonic kind of love, the love for friends and family and then there is romantic love which is highly complicated to break down.

Romantic love is involuntary and has a drive like thirst, it's a complete craving for another person, it's when you care about that person and you feel like you need them in your life. The ancient Greeks called love 'the madness of the Gods,' and to some, that is what is what love is. To a wanderlust soul, this is very much the case. 

Wanderlust souls aren't the kind of people that fall in love with anyone, they fall in love with people who are similar to them, people who have similar interests and similar mindsets. That doesn't necessarily mean that they always fall for people who are also wanderlust souls, but they fall for people who are lost like them.

In my experience the first person I ever had a relationship with I liked a lot, I was infatuated by the thought that someone like him would love me, I was infatuated by how he was and also confused by the fact that someone like him would want to be with someone like me. 

I convinced myself that I was in love, even though in reality now I look back and realize it was just lust and infatuation because he was the first real boyfriend I ever had and the first guy I ever let close enough for me to even consider a relationship.

That relationship lasted three months and when we broke up I realized that I was better off on my own. During the relationship I had lost myself, I was constantly at his side and I constantly tried to act like I thought he would want me to. I did everything for him and lost myself, but I convinced myself that I was happy because I finally had someone who I could be with.

After the break up I felt pain, but it only lasted a few days before the relief of finally being able to be myself again. I finally had time for myself again. I could stay up late and go places or even just stay at my own house and concentrate on myself. I didn't have to be attached to someone else's side to be happy I realized. 

I wasn't happy, living with depression and anxiety I don't think I could ever really be happy, but this was the point when I realized that I could be perfectly content on my own rather than needing someone to be with me to make me feel better about myself. I think I finally realized that I was just deluding myself into thinking I needed someone else to be happy and that was when the realization that I was probably better off alone prevailed. 

A few months later I met someone else online, he was just like me, a lost soul and we had so many things in common. I liked him almost instantly and the attraction was there within the first few days of us talking. I felt a connection with him I had never felt before.

I felt complete understanding and complete acceptance when I spoke to him. I fell in love with him slowly and for the first time I actually felt loved myself. I felt different than my previous boyfriend, this guy actually made me feel like he cared about me rather than just feeling like I was their to satisfy his loneliness.  

I was happy having a friend who I cared about so greatly and I was happy loving someone and having that kind of relationship with them. Soon after that though I entered a relationship with the guy. Being exclusive wasn't a problem for me at first, I was fine with the idea, but a few days into the relationship when the jealousy started it set alarm bells ringing in my head but I convinced myself it was only a minor problem. 

Being so in love can make you blind sometimes. Being in a long distance relationship can make you feel even more blind. And first love... that can be the worst kind of blindness you feel. 

For most people, first love sticks with them, it sticks with them for the rest of their lives. Your first love is the one who tends to stick with you though because they are the first person who ever receives all of you. 

And in that, giving all of yourself to one person, it is easy to lose who you are. It's easy to give yourself over to the one you love, but sometimes these things don't work out. First love rarely works out. My first love didn't work out.

First love is hard to get over though, and honestly most people will never get over their first loves. That's because they are the first person you ever give your whole self to and even when you leave them behind and can't be with them anymore a piece of your heart is left within them and a piece of them is left with in you.

That piece they hold is a piece that no one else will ever be able to have, it holds the hope and the thought that love can last forever, it holds the pain and the trials and the memories, those kind and tender moments, the way they made you feel simply by hearing their voice or seeing their face, those endless nights of talking you'll never get back. 

That piece of you holds youth and hope and everything you thought love would be, everything that was eventually proven wrong.

One of the things that lead to the breaking of my first love was the jealousy that was so present in the relationship. I couldn't stay in a relationship feeling so trapped. My spirit rebelled and made me push away and lash out. It made me want freedom from feeling so trapped. I realized that I wanted to be on my own to find myself again, and I broke it of rather selfishly, but I had to for my sanity.

If I hadn't I would have felt more and more trapped and slowly descended into a state like I had before when I was trapped, to the point I would have rebelled and had a mental breakdown to concentrate on something other than the misery.

The first love I had was so hard also because of the long distance, a long distance relationship is difficult anyway, but for a wanderlust soul it's even more so. They can't deal with the jealousy and the feeling of being trapped within the confines of a relationship like that, linked with the hopelessness of possibly not meeting your significant other and craving them so badly, the feeling of being trapped is endless.

First love is something you never forget because it becomes such a huge part of who you are, and even if you can't be together, that doesn't mean that kind of love isn't forever. The memories last and you never forget about them.

Love isn't always singular either though, sometimes you can feel something for more than one person, though it's never as strong, as passionate or as hopeful as the first time you fall in love. 

In my experience I started liking my friend while I was with my first love, it was hard and I felt terrible for it, but it never went further than having feelings for him at first. I was content with having a close relationship with someone who wasn't a partner, but he fell for me. He wanted me to be his, and when I broke up with my first love he was very persistent.

When I broke up with my first love I really wanted everything be perfect, I wanted for me to find myself again without someone. I wanted to be happy and free and not feel like I was being confined within a relationship and attached to someone else. I wanted the freedom to be by myself.

But as someone who always tries to do what is best by other people it wasn't long until I gave in to his persistent questions of "Are you ready to be with me yet?" 

The truth is I wasn't, but I agreed to make him happy. He wanted to claim me and I let him, like I have my whole life, letting people claim me before I even knew who I was myself.

 And that's the hardest thing about being a wanderlust soul who always want's to make people happy, you always want to do what is best by them and give them what you want, even if it means giving them yourself and making yourself feel trapped.

Being a wanderlust soul who is in love is one of the hardest things ever, because you want to be on your own and yet you know you have the capacity to love and you want to love people. That doesn't mean you have to be with them in a relationship though. 

Unfortunately though, the people you fall for also tend to fall in love with you, and friendship is never enough for them, so you end up giving yourself to them and that is still never enough. They always want more. They want to be closer. They want you to be theirs completely.

Loving more than one person is the worst, because you can't be with both (unless that's you're poly amorous, in which case you go Glen Coco.) and you also can't just be by yourself because friendship is never going to be enough.

The fear of losing people when you love them so dearly is terrible, that's why you do everything you can to keep them as close as possible, even if it means giving yourself to them and giving up your freedom and sanity. 

My advice to all wanderlust souls: Don't enter into relationships. Be by yourself and be happy. Fall in love with whoever you want and explore the friendships.

The pain is not worth it.

The emotional torture is not worth it. 

Loving someone or even more than one person is amazing, but you don't want to have to feel trapped and in a situation you can't get out of because you care too much.

The only relationship a wanderlust soul should be in is with someone who makes them glad to be alive. 

They want someone who can be with them and awaken them, not douse their flames. If you find someone like that then be with them, but tread carefully because everything can change. 

The saddest thing is though, that you may find someone like that one day, but you won't be able to be with them because of your need for freedom and distance etc.

Love like that is once in a life time, and you might not always get a second chance for it. Love is sad and painful. 

So rather than hoping for an epic love or getting a second chance with someone you know could have been in the right situation, go be free. Explore the world and be happy on your own loving as many people as you want. Be selfish. Be a wanderer. Be an adventurer. Be as wanderlust as you possibly can.

Fall in love with yourself.

Follow My Heart?

So it's come to my attention recently that most people follow their heads rather than their hearts. The head is always the wise decision, it's the part that is meant to keep us sane and rational.


But the heart...
The heart is who we truly are, deep down the heart is what we are. The heart is the core of our very being and it is the one thing above all else we can trust. But what do you do when you can't follow your heart? What do you do when you can't be that person or when you don't even know who that person is because you're so used to following your head? So used to following your head that you have forgotten who you are....

That's the predicament I've found myself in. Recently today while browsing through old pictures I stumbled across one that made me cringe but also set an ache in my chest. The year of 2013 was when I had my full scale mental break down, and it was only in 2014 that I managed to drag myself out of the pit of despair and hatred for myself and I finally found myself relatively content with life. I wasn't following my heart, but I was doing more things for myself.



I had it all, I was confident with myself, I was getting along with my family, I had friends, aspirations and a boyfriend who only lived a 30 minute walk away from me. When I think back on this, I can honestly say that I was only content and I don't think I was truly in love no matter how deluded I was at the time because I was so infatuated with him and content with my life. But I was content. I was happy. Even when we broke up I wasn't too fussed about it, it broke me for a few days, but I managed to get myself back together within those few days and I was able to function normally.

That's when everything changed. That's when I found some of the best people I have ever met. I found someone I cared about more than anything and I couldn't be selfish, even though my heart wanted me to be. I entered into a long distance relationship and I was happy for a time, content in the fact I had fallen in love for the first time properly, but within the confines of a relationship, especially a long distance one, I began to lose myself again. With all the other factors in my life such as college, family disputes and my mother going into hospital and me being the only adult to care for my sister, I really did lose myself again.


Rather than finding myself I carried on that way until everything got too much again, until I started falling for someone else. Being in love and falling for someone else doesn't make much sense in my brain, so I looked to my heart. I guess my heart wanted both, but you can never have both. It's always give and take.

And then I realized that it didn't matter what I wanted. What I needed was myself. I needed to find myself again, I needed to be selfish. So I broke off the relationship to pursue myself again, to find out who I truly was at my core. But no luck I guess.


Only a few weeks later I jumped into another long distance relationship hoping it wouldn't have the same jealousy and trials as the other, and even though it was mildly better at first, once the honeymoon stage passed, I realized that maybe I shouldn't have jumped into something so fast.

Maybe...
Maybe I should have found myself first rather than jumping in another long distance just to make someone else happy. But that's what my head does. It has to make other's happy. My head says that I should be with the person I love.... but my heart feels trapped. My heart doesn't know what to do except push.


My heart is too wanderlust and free to be confined, and yet, that's what it has to be if I want to be with someone I love. My head and my heart are in a constant battle and I sometimes don't know which I should follow.

The head knows what is wise and logical and what is probably best in the long run. The heart only wants to know boundless freedom not confined by anyone or anything. The heart wants to experience love over and over. The heart wants to experience foreign shores and exotic people. It doesn't want to be confined to anyone or anything. But the head knows that you're meant to be with the one you love.... right?

People often think that the heart is what you follow when you love someone, but in reality most of it is based on the decisions that go on in your brain. The brain wants me to be with the one I love... if it even is just one... but the heart... the heart wants to know no limits. The heart needs limitless freedom, and I'm really scared to find out whether my head or my heart will win the battle.

Long Distance Relationships

Long distance relationships are hard for the people involved within them, especially when we get such scrutiny for being in them. Our relationships are regarded as not real by the general populace just because we might not get to see or touch our significant other every night and take small things like that for granted like they do.

There are many downsides to a long distance relationship, but there are also many good factors.

One of the worst things about long distance relationships is the constant need and want for the person you are in a long distance relationship with. It doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing. You could be in bed at 3:00am in the morning and all of a sudden you wonder what it would be like to have them there with you. This overwhelming need for their closeness washes over you and you can't do anything about it. It could even be at 1:00pm when you're out for lunch with friends and you see a young couple hand in hand at the table beside you, eating dinner and exchanging looks and small gestures of affection, and all of a sudden you feel the overwhelming jealousy and resentment, because they have that and you don't. They take for granted what you want most. Your partners physical closeness.

The frustration in long distance relationships is also an issue. Frustration with your significant other. Frustration with yourself. Frustration with friends. Frustration with everyone around you. You end up lashing out at people because you can't deal with your feelings. You doubt yourself. Other's doubt you. You have moments of despairing hope where you think that your relationship won't work out. Everyone and everything seem to be against you increasing your frustration. Parents don't approve. Friends don't approve. You get told your relationship isn't real. Like people have a right to tell you how you feel. Like other's have a right to dictate your life and your decisions and judge you for them.

Jealousy is another big factor, jealousy of the people who get to spend each day with them and take each moment for granted, jealousy when somebody tries to steal your significant other and you can't do anything about it because you may be cities, countries or even oceans apart. 

Major trust issues, thinking that they may be doing something you don't want them to like cheating or flirting. Thinking that with all the temptation around, why would they want you, someone who lives just out of reach when they could have literally anyone they wanted back home. Questioning your very relationship because of the terrible voices in your head. 

The arguments can be horrible because the only thing you can do to calm each other down is talk, and sometimes talking isn't always enough. Sometimes you just need and crave the physical comfort of someone, sometimes you need the actions rather than just the words but in a long distance relationship words are really all you have to go on.

The price of travelling is a lot to consider, especially if your relationship is in different countries or across seas. It's not something that can be taken likely as the price of flights, fuel and other things is often more than most people can afford.

Being in a long distance relationship also poses problems with communication, you can't hear the persons voice sometimes, can't see their facial expression or their body language and much of the talking you do must have a dependency on technology that can make some uncomfortable.

By far for me though, the worst thing is just the need to have them there. Wishing and hoping that they were there when you're sad or when you're happy or when you just want them there for no reason. There is such a dependency on that person and yet at the same time you know you can't be too dependent because the person you love is too far for you to be dependent on them, and you can't lose yourself in wanting to be with them so badly. You have to retain your own identity. And on the flip side you can't push away or keep them too far because they you grow apart, and that isn't what you want. 

The lack of physical interaction can make these relationships hard. But in the end it's worth it to be with the one you love.