From a young age I’ve always loved writing, I’ve always
written my own stories, my own poems and songs, but somewhere along the way due
to mental illness I lost writing, I lost a part of myself. That’s why I’m here
now, trying to regain that piece of myself.
This blog will be about what matters to me, my experiences
and my beliefs as well as what is going on it the world. It will be used to try
and inspire people and show you that none of you are alone, that really, we all
have somebody. Whether that person is me, a small town girl from England or a
hot shot movie star we admire on television, we all have somebody who inspires
us, who makes us strive to be a better person.
The problem in the world today though is that nobody really
wants to be that person, the person everyone looks to, nobody wants to be that
voice, that inspiration. Nobody cares enough about the next person to want to
bring them up and to push them in the right direction.
We live in a society that mocks people who are different,
who want to help others. Unfortunately we live in a condescending society that
mocks the good and enforces that we be selfish and vindictive, that we can only
care about ourselves.
As someone who is a veteran at suffering from mental
illness, I have a passion for helping people, to inspire them, because I would
hate for anyone to feel as low as I do. I would hate for anyone to feel like
they have nobody, so if even one person can relate here, or feel that they are
not alone through reading these words, then my goal has been achieved.
This morning, I woke up, I pulled on my old leggings and a
holey shirt as usual, put on my slippers and lumbered down the stairs. I stared
at the cupboards deciding if I was too fat to eat today, deciding whether I
should starve my body of the vital nutrients it needs to survive. I then
decided to eat and I lumbered back up the stairs to bed, filled with only the
emptiness, the extended abyss of despair that fills my life.
I laid in bed as usual, playing on my phone, going on
facebook, talking to my friends. And for some reason while talking to one of
them I came to the realization that I don’t have to be like this forever.
Happiness is a choice. Yes, the demons may always be there, but they can be
managed. They can be fought. It may be a long process, and some days I may not
even want to get out of bed for fear of what those demons may tell me.
But. That is life.
And life is a beautiful thing, how can we even begin to
comprehend what we are? My problems in comparison to the universe are nothing.
Compared to the vastness of all that exists, they are nothing. I exist in a
universe on what is essentially a rock, my problems will have no meaning when I’m
gone, so why focus on them? Why let them rule my life? Why let them eat away at
my soul?
For too long I have let them chip away at my very being,
taking away things I love, my art, my writing, my confidence, and making me
push away those I love to the point that I lose them, all because I am too
afraid to step away from the darkness of my own mind into the light.
Life is not about how many breaths we take; it is about how
many moments take out breaths away. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone
and I intend to live!
Special Mentions:
Danny Morris- For being an amazing boyfriend who supports me
for all of my bullshit.
Helen Chambers- For starting her blog and inspiring me to
write again.
